hello its me

Well I'm back......sorta. My dad's death has hit me harder than I expected. I lost my mom back in 1996 and I didn't think I'd ever get over her death. Mom and I weren't real close per-say but I would call her several times a day just to talk to her. And when I was upset I would call her and talk until I calmed down and realised hey it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. For excample.......
I really really wanted a mercury Topaz. I don't really remember why I wanted that perticular car but I did. we finally found one we could afford and bought it. I drove that car like I was the queen and every one better move on out of my way. Then came the day about 3 months after we bought the car when I needed a new belt. Mr. Gab was grumbling on having to spend money on the car but got the belt. He had just installed it when he got called from his job and had to go to work in Wisconsin. He asked do you wanna go with? I'm like sure. So we left our kids at home ( they were teen agers) and took off for Wisconsin. Mr Gab has a lead foot, and drove quickly to the job. we got to his job and he went in to work and I sat in the car reading a book and enjoying just being there. I'm not sure how late it was when he finally came out but I was starving. Mr Gab Had said same thing when he got into the car. So he told me we would drive over to where he knew there was a Hardees. We got our food and got back on the road. Now because we were no longer in a hurry Mr Gab drove slower. We hadnt even unwrapped our food when outta the ditch came a deer. Mr Gab tried to miss it but couldnt. Now this deer hit hard and I do mean hard. I heard the glass break, but I didnt know which window broke. AND I dont know why but I had covered my head with my arms closed my eyes and kinda ducked down just as we hit. When our car came to a stop I slowly sat up and looked around. It was dark and no other cars seemed to be on the road. Then all of a sudden I remembered Mr Gab and asked if he was ok. He said yes, and asked if I was ok I said yes. I knew I was covered in glass so I reached up and touched the windsheild fully expecting it to be gone. It wasn't even cracked. Then I reached up to my side window and discovered that it was gone. Mr Gab went out to look for the deer but couldnt find it. We sat there for a bit and realised no one was coming by.( we didnt have a cell at that time) Mr Gab said there was a gas station up the road and he said if the car starts we will head there. It started. we slowly drove up the the shoulder of the road and made it to the top of the exit ramp before the car gave up the ghost. We managed to cost down into the parking lot. Then Mr Gab went in to call the police and also to ask the guy if there was someone who could tow us home. I went to the phone and called my mom. When she answered I burst into tears and was hysterical ,said we had hit a deer and my car the car I had wanted to damn badly was gone, totalled. The I babbled about the money we just wasted putting in the new belt and now we didnt even have a car. AND MY MOM SAID TO ME well at least your alive and so is MR Gab. Well, yes but I lost my car. I'm not sure how many times mom had to repeat that before I caught on. But I finally calmed down and figured out what she was saying. THEN CAME THE BIGGER SHOCK.......
when the police finally got there to take the report, he told us that looking at the car and damage that he figured that when we hit the deer the deer rotated some how and kicked out my window. The side mirror was on Mr Gab's side of the car on the floor and the way the front window was still there yet the front end was smashed, he said had I not ducked his hoof would have hit me in the temple and killed me. Talk about angels watching over me. He also told us it had to be really big to do the damage it had done. But when he went looking for the deer even way out into the field he couldnt find it. But see little tings like me loosing my car had me so upset but mom kept telling me but I was alive. Who cares about a car it can be replaced but I cant. It took me a bit but it finally sunk in.
Now that my dad has passed....I have realised I have no parents...... I am almost 56. Mr Gab is 59 1 year away from 60. And I dont know why but that bugs me alot.
I know one thing I think I didnt appreciate my parents when they were alive as I should have. And now its too late to tell them that.
Thing is.......just about every night since dad passes Ive had dreams about both of them and my uncle who is dad's brother and my favorite. This week I had two unbelieveable ones. On Monday night I went to bed covered in my blanket and quilt. I'm sleeping and all of a sudden I break out laughing uncontrollably.... I mean I just couldnt stop. When I finally got my breath back and calmed down I got so cold that I started to shake. Here I am totally wrapped and warm and now freezing. Then it happened a second time that night. Tuesday night I had a nightmare. I was trying to scream in my dream but couldnt seem to get the sound out. The more I tried the more nothing came out. Mr Gab woke me up and said I was crying in my sleep. I said no screaming. He said well go to sleep. But before I could fall asleep I got cold again.....freezing cold to the point I was shaking and shivering. Then it passed. When Mr Gab got home at 12 am on weds, I was still up I was too afraid to go to sleep.That night I pleaded with my mom and dad to let me alone that night I needed sleep. And I didnt have any dreams.....MY sister C did on the other hand. So I tried again on Thursday night and again I had a good night. I also told my mom and dad if they had something they wanted me to know to please just tell me and not scare me to death or laugh me to death.
We shall see how it goes tonight.